Here in My Town
There's no use trying to hide it; one of the several themes of Singing from Silence is domestic abuse. I never come out and say the word "abuse" in the book because it's a loaded word. But telling half-truths is effectively the same as lying, so Singing includes some of these memories from my failed marriage as well as the more pleasant ones from the friendship Rich Mullins and I had shared previously.
In Hamilton County, Ohio--of election impact fame--the use of the term "abuse" was highly suspect during the mid-to late nineties. The fact that domestic homicide in 2006 was down 40% from our worst year in 1997 is attributed to unfailing dedication to increasing awareness. The price of peace is constant vigilance, so for the sake of voices silenced, let's see if the description below describes your town as much as it did mine in the nineties:*
Around here, talking about your marriage and using the word, "abuse" is about as effective going to the Emergency Room, talking about your symptoms, and using the word "anxiety."
Here in my town, if you really want help, you have to learn what not to talk about and who not to say it to.
The abuser has learned to put up a good front. He knows how to present himself to strangers in such a way that no one would guess what he's capable of behind closed doors. How else did he manage to get into a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage?
Friends of the abused woman are scarce. The abuser who knows what he's doing will make sure she has none. In her presence, he will make her friends feel unwelcome. In her absence, he will tell lies about his partner until people who were once her friends don't even want to see her anymore.
Where I come from, the woman's reluctance to speak about the realities of her situation in marriage counseling make it unlikely the couple will make progress. If she tells the whole truth, she knows her partner will only take it out on her later. Marriage counselors sometimes unknowingly to try to get couples in abusive relationships to "work things out;" even though in domestic abuse partnerships, this is not advised.
Around here, strangers are known to say, "It's her word against his," and some preachers are still said to send bruised and injured women back to their husbands for fear of a lawsuit. Perhaps it's just the preachers of non-denominational churches who tend to do this. Perhaps independent churches lack liability insurance or a larger pocket to sue, but still this practice shows a poor example of God's love and compassion.
I live in a town where some bystanders in all innocence may be very curious about these situations, and when they attempt to confirm the facts with the perpetrator, they can do great harm.
All these reasons added together mean that the woman (sometimes man, more often woman) keeps her problems to herself, as others don't seem inclined or able to help. And if her domestic partner finds out she's been complaining about him, her vulnerability just escalates.
I hope it's better where you live.
The silence imposed by dangerous partnerships is one of the reasons--I can think of at least three others--that I called the book Singing from Silence.
Richard didn't use the term "abuse" in his song, "I Will Sing," either. But I have been assured that he sang it for me during his "Live at Studio B" performance. Why isn't this public knowledge? Why didn't he just get up there and dedicate the song to me on live television? As I see it, he respected my difficult situation enough not to want make it any worse. I know some people didn't believe my predicament, but he did, and deep down I think he knew I would never avoid him without good reason. I'm grateful Richard thought of me when he sang, "I Will Sing." And I'm glad for all the others who have been and will be helped by his song.
If you want to sing for the meek, please send this url to your friends, relatives, and everyone you love. I pray that you and yours will learn to love--or, if it becomes necessary, to leave--in safety and peace.
*Hamilton County Intimate Partner Homicide 1997-2006: http://www.ndvfri.org/reports/ohio/Ohio_Hamilton_AnnualReport_2007.pdf
In Hamilton County, Ohio--of election impact fame--the use of the term "abuse" was highly suspect during the mid-to late nineties. The fact that domestic homicide in 2006 was down 40% from our worst year in 1997 is attributed to unfailing dedication to increasing awareness. The price of peace is constant vigilance, so for the sake of voices silenced, let's see if the description below describes your town as much as it did mine in the nineties:*
Around here, talking about your marriage and using the word, "abuse" is about as effective going to the Emergency Room, talking about your symptoms, and using the word "anxiety."
Here in my town, if you really want help, you have to learn what not to talk about and who not to say it to.
The abuser has learned to put up a good front. He knows how to present himself to strangers in such a way that no one would guess what he's capable of behind closed doors. How else did he manage to get into a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage?
Friends of the abused woman are scarce. The abuser who knows what he's doing will make sure she has none. In her presence, he will make her friends feel unwelcome. In her absence, he will tell lies about his partner until people who were once her friends don't even want to see her anymore.
Where I come from, the woman's reluctance to speak about the realities of her situation in marriage counseling make it unlikely the couple will make progress. If she tells the whole truth, she knows her partner will only take it out on her later. Marriage counselors sometimes unknowingly to try to get couples in abusive relationships to "work things out;" even though in domestic abuse partnerships, this is not advised.
Around here, strangers are known to say, "It's her word against his," and some preachers are still said to send bruised and injured women back to their husbands for fear of a lawsuit. Perhaps it's just the preachers of non-denominational churches who tend to do this. Perhaps independent churches lack liability insurance or a larger pocket to sue, but still this practice shows a poor example of God's love and compassion.
I live in a town where some bystanders in all innocence may be very curious about these situations, and when they attempt to confirm the facts with the perpetrator, they can do great harm.
All these reasons added together mean that the woman (sometimes man, more often woman) keeps her problems to herself, as others don't seem inclined or able to help. And if her domestic partner finds out she's been complaining about him, her vulnerability just escalates.
I hope it's better where you live.
The silence imposed by dangerous partnerships is one of the reasons--I can think of at least three others--that I called the book Singing from Silence.
Richard didn't use the term "abuse" in his song, "I Will Sing," either. But I have been assured that he sang it for me during his "Live at Studio B" performance. Why isn't this public knowledge? Why didn't he just get up there and dedicate the song to me on live television? As I see it, he respected my difficult situation enough not to want make it any worse. I know some people didn't believe my predicament, but he did, and deep down I think he knew I would never avoid him without good reason. I'm grateful Richard thought of me when he sang, "I Will Sing." And I'm glad for all the others who have been and will be helped by his song.
If you want to sing for the meek, please send this url to your friends, relatives, and everyone you love. I pray that you and yours will learn to love--or, if it becomes necessary, to leave--in safety and peace.
*Hamilton County Intimate Partner Homicide 1997-2006: http://www.ndvfri.org/reports/ohio/Ohio_Hamilton_AnnualReport_2007.pdf
I Will Sing
by Rich Mullins
I will sing for the meek
For those who pray with their very lives for peace
Though they're in chains for a higher call
Their mourning will change to laughter
When the nations fall
In spirit poor
In mercy rich
They hunger for Your righteousness
Their hearts refined into purity
Lord, let me shine for them
Lord, let me sing.
Lord, let me shine for them
Lord, let me sing.
I will sing for the meek
For those who pray with their very lives for peace
Though they're in chains for a higher call
Their mourning will change to laughter
When the nations fall
In spirit poor
In mercy rich
They hunger for Your righteousness
Their hearts refined into purity
Lord, let me shine for them
Lord, let me sing.
Lord, let me shine for them
Lord, let me sing.
